Sometimes I get into this state where I am one depressing mother fucker. My parents talk to me and I’ll just sit there in silence, letting my eyes glaze over. I think that I’m too messed up in too many ways, that I’m better off dead. I walk like a zombie and I feel like a zombie but other than that I feel nothing. I become convinced that nothing is going to be okay because no matter what I do it’s not enough and I don’t even know what to do in the first place. This state comes and goes, but never leaves completely.
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School just recently started. I don’t go for too long, but it’s still a pain in the ass. On the other hand, it keeps me occupied for the first part of my day, and that’s a huge plus. Afterwards, it’s off to work or IOP I go. Speaking of which, I have IOP tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do. It’s natural for me to just tell the truth, straight and blunt, but if they knew that I took 6 laxatives today and have been re-exploring making myself vomit and, despite their commands, continue to exercise, they would surely recommend inpatient to my parents, and I’m not ready for that yet. I decided that once I hit 110 lbs I’ll give in, but not yet. Not now.
However, there are times when I seriously consider going back on my meal plan, throwing out my laxatives, and getting back on the right path. I weigh the pros and cons of my eating disorder and decide that, surely, recovery is the way to go. Surely, getting into my dream college and keeping myself alive are so much more important than reaching my ever-slipping goal weights and fitting into certain jeans. Surely. But then a funny thing happens. My nose starts to tingle (a sign that tears are coming), my body stiffens, my mood plummets, and it feels as if every part of my being is shutting down. And then I know that I really only have one choice: my eating disorder.
Alyssa:
ReplyDeleteWhat is stopping you from choosing recovery? Are you feeling some sort of loss if you do? I understand that feel. I encourage you to be open about your problems with IOP. Honey, they will help you. Please don't burn yourself down before getting help. It will be much easer to start from where you are now. Your numb - let those folks help you. Promise us you will do that. WE care about you girl. We can see and feel how wonderful of a person you are. We all want to reach out and touch you -to let you feel our caring and support. We are not stupied - you are a super super beautiful looking lady. You must not deny that. My young friend -you are well able to beat this thing.
Kick Ed's ass starting today!
Edward
Sweet heart - When you don't know what to do, do the right thing. Like eating right. We know it is not cool to starve, purge, and pills. We are just hooked by ED and ED wants us to suffer and is glad when we don't default to what we know is right. Like how we would never hurt a puppy - we default to what we know what is right. Please tell IOP your problem. Don't go down hill, you will have to just climb that part again.. My sweet sweet friend. Ed leave her the fuck alone!
ReplyDeleteDonna
Ed is a controling SOB. Can you fall back on what you learned in IP? It will work. You seem to be a smart person. Tell IOP and ease your mind. I'm with you!
ReplyDeleteJoan
Good God. Don't everyones eyes glaze over when their mom and dad talk to them? Sweety - tell IOP what is going on. You will feel better. You have a good long life ahead of you, and it is going to be a happy one. Filled with love and happiness, and with a cute someone kissing you every day!
ReplyDeletePammy