I did something bad. I looked through my mom’s e-mail.
She and my therapist were talking back and forth. Apparently my mom knows of a lot more than I thought she did, such as my smoking pot and recent laxative abuse. She kept going on about how this eating disorder has turned me into a liar and she can’t trust a word I say. Initially I was angry at both my therapist and mom, but once I got over that I did something strange: I opened up to my mother. I told her how I felt about eating and myself, let her into my head, and confessed to smoking weed. I even promised to try to not lie anymore. It felt surprisingly good. Lately I’ve actually been somewhat at peace with my parents. Who knew that was possible?
On the not-so-bright side of Alyssa-Mother interactions, she threatened to send me to Mayo Clinic’s inpatient eating disorder program in
On that note, I met with my dietician on Wednesday and she said that I lost weight- any more and I’m out. She gave me a meal plan to start out with until she feels I’m ready to start making my way up to a much more calorically substantial one. I haven’t followed it at all so far. I’m already down two or three pounds since the last time she weighed me, which makes the next weigh-in a rigged one: I’ll have to water load.
What I want is simple. I want to get sick enough so that I can feel deserving of recovery. On second thought, it’s not so simple. There is this NEED inside of me to be a severe case of anorexia, to be one of the worst. I can’t explain it, really. I don’t know why I’m obsessed with becoming emaciated, weak, hospitalized – I just am. And I can’t control the overwhelming need for it. I want to be one of the girls on weight gain, who can’t go on walks without a wheelchair, who are painful to look at… It’s fucked up. It really is. And I don’t think I’ll ever get to a point where I believe I’m “sick enough”, but at least I can get closer.
Please please work the problem. You not fucked up. You been hurt at one point in your life. and its controling your life. Trust the people around you. They would not lie to you. ED is the lie. This world without you, I'm sure would suck for lots of people. We believe in you Ms.A
ReplyDeleteThe Creep LOL
Dear Alyssa:
ReplyDeleteThank you for the post. I understand how you feel. I feel some of the same feelings. Try the food plan. It will help.
Donna (:
Though you were in IP.
ReplyDeletePam
Why is this thing controling me so...Fuck.
ReplyDeleteJoan