I am so screwed.
My dad found laxatives in my purse and told my primary therapist. We had session today and she talked about how incredibly dangerous they are, and I just know she’s going to rat me out to IOP, which is already so close to sending me back to inpatient. The worst part of this is that I don’t know if I’m complaining… I feel really fucked up saying this, but I want to go back inpatient. I want to go back to the one place where I’ve ever felt that I belonged. I don’t belong anywhere- not with my friends, my family, my school- but I did there. And I belonged with the people. You know how you can be in a crowd and still feel alone? That’s how I feel with almost everybody, but not Bentley, and not Audrey. I belonged somewhere, and with someone, and I’d kill to go back.
However. I want to do it right this time. I want to get dangerously thin and be uncooperative and have to be hospitalized. I want the blackouts and the lanugo and the hair loss. I want to feel like I finally got thin enough. It’s SICK! It’s so, so sick. But it’s also so, so strong, and I don’t know how to stop myself from wanting it more than anything.
So I want to go to inpatient, and I want to start healing again, but I want to get sicker first. I want to get sick enough to deserve recovering.
Pretty fucked up, right?
My dear young friend:
ReplyDeleteIt is not strange for a person to want to return to IP. If you think about it, there you had all your emotional and physical needs met. So I feel it is perfectly natural to want that support again. I always though of IP as a place to get better, learn how to cope and learn how to seek out people that will help fill your needs. I know it is hard. You don’t have to burn yourself down to the ground before getting help. Please try telling the people that are helping you recover “I’m not doing well, and need help”. That will work as well. Look you have a big problem, and it is going to take time to get it right. Give yourself time, so don’t beat up on yourself. In the end you will be well. I promise you Alyssa. I don’t even know you and I see you are a very strong, cool person, and as smart as a whip! And no you are not a sick person, you are a very beautiful young lady that is well able to beat this thing. We are all behind you!
Eddie
Alyssa, Thank you for taking the time to write here. It is a constant battle, and it can be very tiring at times. You can in no way be a "loser". It is ED fucking with you. You are NOT a sick person. You have issues to workout. IF you got to go IP again, so what....do it. Get well. I pray for you every day, and please think of us here who really think you are one amazing person. Kick ED's ass!
ReplyDeleteHugggs Donna
xoxo <3
ReplyDeleteed has alot of bad things he is telling you, would you ever feel sick enough to go back to inpatient... the answer is no because individuals with eds dont ever feel sick enough, they also want to be less and less until death is what happens. get the help you need NOW! you are a strong person and can do this just take the next steps and overcome this, it takes time belllieeve me, but in the end it is so much better to live the life you deserve!
ReplyDeleteyeah, you're so right. hope you're well, darling.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps at all, that's exactly how I feel too. I'm in therapy right now and I do want to get better, but I don't feel sick enough yet...so, I totally understand girl, you're not fucked up, I promise, cuz I feel the exact same way & doing the exact same things that your entire blog talked about. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletethanks so much it's good to know i'm not the only one.
ReplyDeletexoxo