4/12/10

Today was the day to “break up” with Micha. After fourth hour I pulled her aside and gave her a long hug and told her, point blank, we can’t be friends anymore. I thanked her for everything and told her I loved and walked away, despite her calling after me until I was halfway to English. I didn’t even cry. I barely felt anything at all, even when Micha texted me saying “what the fuck are you talking about?” I read Bentley’s letter, though, which was really nice and then called IP when I got home from school and talked to everyone. From then on out though, Micha and I started texting and shit kinda hit the fan. This was our conversation:

Micha: Will you please explain to me what’s going on?

Me: I’m so sorry.

Micha: That doesn’t answer my question.

Me: Didn’t reply.

Micha: I think I deserve a reason.

Me: You do.

Micha: Then tell me?

Me: I might tell you. One day.

Micha: No you are not playing these fucking games. You’re really about to throw our friendship away over nothing? Tell me now.

Me: Micha, it’s not over nothing. I promise you that. I love you so much and this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. What I’m doing… it’s something I have to do. And I’m sorry. I’ll tell you why one day, when I never have to see you again.

Micha: No, you need to tell me now. I refuse to not be your friend for an unknown reason.

Me: Didn’t reply.

Micha: I’m not going to leave you alone. Just tell me. Did I do something or did your parents tell you not to hang out with me or your therapist?

Me: Didn’t reply.

Micha: Just give me an answer! You’re only hurting me by not telling me. Not helping me.

Me: It would hurt you more to know the truth. Trust me.

Micha: Tell me why. I can assure you it wouldn’t. I’d rather be pissed and get over it rather than go god knows how long wondering and being pissed.

Me: There is no short, simple reason. One of my therapy assignments was to write a letter to you, saying anything and everything I’ve ever wanted to say but couldn’t. It was 13 pages long.

Micha: Condense it. Tell me key points. I don’t care! Tell me something.

Me: Long story short, I got sick because I care about you more than you will ever care about me, and I can never fully recover if we’re still friends. I’m sorry.

Micha: How can you think that? You’re my best friend. How could you think I don’t care about you?

Me: We barely hang out. The most we’ve hung out this year was when you needed me for math. You always chose Katie/Tina/Molly over me. I’ve never even met some of your friends. You barely talk to me about anything that matters. I had to send you that five page long letter over myspace before you showed any concern over the fact that I was starving myself. You rarely show or admit any affection. I was KILLING myself to get you to see me, to pay some goddam attention and care for once… You were 20 minutes away while I was in rehab, and you didn’t come to see me. I know your mom didn’t feel well or whatever, but if it had been you in my place, I would have found a way to see you. I would do anything for you, but just this once, I’m doing something for myself.

Micha: Do you have any idea how hard it was to know that you were sick the way you were? I was terrified. I didn’t want to show that. And I’ve never showed affection in my life. It’s hard for me. And why didn’t you ever call to hang out? I’m not trying to turn this around on you, but how was I supposed to know if you didn’t say anything? I prayed every night since you told me about your problem, bargaining with God for you to get better because I didn’t want to lose you. I thought about it every day. I’m sorry for not always being there. There’s no excuse for that, but I care about you like a sister. I promise you that.

Me: I know you care. I know you care a lot. I also know that you can never, maybe you aren’t even capable of, caring about me as much as I care about you. I love you, I really do. More than anyone in the entire world. You’re my best friend and the only person who I’m happy just being around. I would go to the ends of the earth for you. I never asked to hang out because I was terrified of being rejected, and I’m afraid that I won’t be good enough anymore. Every time there’s this silence between us, it becomes more and more obvious that we’re not as close as we used to be, and it kills me.

Micha: That’s not the truth because I wouldn’t be wasting my time trying to convince you that I care if I didn’t care as much as you do. Just because it’s silent doesn’t mean it’s bad. Just because we’re not as close as we used to be doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be friends. We’ve grown apart because that’s just how people are. You’re still important to me though. Like I said, I wouldn’t waste my time or tears if I didn’t care.

Me: I don’t know what lengths I still may or may not go to for you… Micha, I have done such awful things to myself because that’s how much I really do love you. You have no idea. I couldn’t stand the pain of your drifting from me and it made me do horrible things. That’s how I know I care more. You were all I had, but you had so many others. Of course, all this was going on at a subconscious level and I didn’t figure it out until therapy. My eating disorder was only the last step… I did a hell of a lot of other self-destructive things, for years, before then. I don’t know if I can be friends with you and not go back to those things.

Micha: You should never hurt yourself because of someone else, especially me. You have so many people who care about you. I’m not all you have. You have so many. You need to realize that.

Me: I know that now, but not back then, when I was 13 years old and didn’t know who I was or who I should be and my best friend since kindergarten decided to ditch me for the prettier girls and my family and I fought every day. You really were all I had back then, and I still care about you that much to this day. That’s the problem.

Micha: I don’t know what to say to make you stick around and still be my friend. This is our last year together, to be honest. I don’t want to spend it without you or any other of my best friends. It’s going to be our senior year. I’m leaving after next year. We all are. I want to spend it with the people I care about. That’s all I know.

Me: So do I, but I don’t know if that’s possible for me.

Micha: I hope you know I don’t need much. Just a friendship is enough. You don’t need to go to great lengths for me. I just want us to hang out and do stupid shit and have fun like we used to. I don’t want to retire the Ouija just yet ha. Or the VZ football games. Or shit talking crazy Hello Hollywood fan girls. Or any of that kind of stuff.

Me: I honestly don’t know what to do. Just give me a while to think.