4/20/10

I don’t like being home much. I miss IP, and I’m incredibly lonely. I have nobody to go to. The only people I really want to confide in are Audrey, Julie, and Bentley. They understand and they don’t judge and they always manage to make me feel better, but I can’t go to any of them anymore. Julie and Audrey aren’t my therapist and dietician anymore. I can’t check in with them when I feel like shit or call more than once a week. I don’t know what the hell is going on with Bentley. She barely talks to me. She keeps promising to call but never does. She doesn’t text me or facebook me or anything, even when I try to get a hold of her first. I’m worried about her, and I’m unbearable hurt. Sometimes I even cry.

Last night was my first IOP session. I had an orientation with Lori, my treatment coordinator, and a couple of groups. There are four other girls there: Casey, Sunny, Brooke, and Kennadie. I like all of them, even though none of the girls are close like we were in IP. No one said hi to me or even to each other. Hopefully it gets better though, because everyone except for Casey is fairly new. Casey’s been there since September. She was inpatient over the summer. I talked to her more than any of the other girls, with Kennadie coming in 2^nd. I like Kennadie’s look a lot. She’s tall, very underweight, pretty, has short, super-blonde hair, ice blue eyes, and was wearing a v-neck. Casey has strawberry-blonde hair, cut-across bangs, is pretty in this odd way, and is at a healthy weight for the first time in a while. Brooke has brown hair, is normal-sized, and has these huge lips. She would be prettier if she didn’t constantly have her mouth open wide. She lives in a group home and is obviously troubled. Sunny is adorable. She’s small- too small to be healthy, with a perfectly shaped face and cute hair. She didn’t talk to me much, but I can tell that she’s a really cool girl. She’s bi and vegetarian. I hope we become friends.

My favourite staff there so far is Julie and Sara, the other therapist. Sara used to have an eating disorder and is really nice. She’s almost Audrey-esque, with the way she makes me feel safe and understood, even though I barely talked. Really, I was so quiet during group last night. I was really depressed, thinking about IP and how different it was and missing everyone. I wanted to check in with someone, but I couldn’t, of course.

I figured I’d be at IOP for around a month or two, but they said that my estimated graduation will be around mid-September. Holy shit, that’s a long time.