4/30/10

There’s something about airports and airplanes that I love. Flying is therapeutic to me.

I’m excited beyond belief to see Bentley and Ellie.

I am okay today.

4/29/10

I’m finally getting back on track with my exchanges. For a while I was really screwing them up, like not paying attention to my meal plan at all. I’m doing well now, though.

What I’m not doing so well with is the whole depression piece. I talked to Audrey yesterday and told her about mine and Amy’s conversation, and she said that that was one of the best compliments she’s ever received. I cried saying bye to her, and then again late that night. Lately I’ve been crying more in one day than I normally would in several months. I’m miserable beyond comprehension.

On the bright side, I get to see Bentley the day after tomorrow. :) And I went to Chipotle for lunch with Micha, Katie, Tina, Molly, and Lizzy. It was so much fun. When I’m with people I’m okay, but not so much when I’m left to my thoughts.

4/26/10

I’m feeling slightly better lately. Probably because I’m going to California this weekend, to see Bentley!!! I’m sooo excited. I miss her so much and want to be there for her right now, in person. She called me around 11 pm last week crying. I was asleep but luckily heard my phone. Her best friend told her that they could no longer be friends, because Bentley is too triggering. (Hmm sound familiar?) Anyways, I talked her down, and she said something that just about made me cry: “I just wanted to hear your voice.” God, I miss her.

On a different note, session with Amy on Friday was pretty intense. I was telling her about how much I miss Audrey, and she asked what the attachment to her is. At first, Amy actually thought that I liked her in an intimate way. I insisted that that is not the case, so then I had to explain what the case actually is. I told her about everything that I told Audrey in her letters, but I also mentioned that Audrey made me feel safe. I had never really thought about that before, but it’s probably one of the main reasons that I got so attached to her. Amy kind of realized that after I’d said it, and so she said something along the lines of “you were the little girl who thought bad things would happen to her for no reason, that someone was after her. You were the little girl whose parents didn’t pay attention and shrugged her off their shoulders and never made her feel safe. You’ve spent your whole life overwhelmed by anxiety and fear, and when you finally find the first person who can make you feel safe, you have to walk away from her. She was what you mother never was and temporarily filled that void. I’m so sorry you had to walk away from that.” Then she hugged me and almost started crying, I think. I, of course, was bawling like a baby. I’m sorry I had to walk away from that too. :/

4/21/10

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m more depressed than I ever have been in my life. I miss CFD. I miss everything about it, and everyone. I end up crying every time I talk to Audrey. I called her today, but didn’t cry until after, while I was in IOP. I met with my new dietician and was pissed at her for not being Audrey. Goddamit I miss her so much. I miss everything so much that I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I hate being home. I’m more miserable than I ever thought possible. I was sobbing the whole way home in the car. Pathetic. And the worst part is… nothing can fix this. I love these people so much and I can’t be with them. No amount of sleepovers or family time or shopping sprees or mornings sleeping in will help. All I want is to go on a walk with my loves and have Ellie straighten my hair and ride in “The Beast” and have session with Julie and wear my hairnet and have a roommate and have hour-long sessions with Audrey and be in process group and all the other groups and get excited for Audrey to walk through the door and then pester her about us having session. But I’ll never get those things back, and it kills me. I never thought it was possible to miss something this much. What do I do?

On the plus side, I talked to Bentley and she isn’t mad at me not wanting to be friends with me or anything, she’s just been really overwhelmed and everything with us is 100% good.

4/20/10

I don’t like being home much. I miss IP, and I’m incredibly lonely. I have nobody to go to. The only people I really want to confide in are Audrey, Julie, and Bentley. They understand and they don’t judge and they always manage to make me feel better, but I can’t go to any of them anymore. Julie and Audrey aren’t my therapist and dietician anymore. I can’t check in with them when I feel like shit or call more than once a week. I don’t know what the hell is going on with Bentley. She barely talks to me. She keeps promising to call but never does. She doesn’t text me or facebook me or anything, even when I try to get a hold of her first. I’m worried about her, and I’m unbearable hurt. Sometimes I even cry.

Last night was my first IOP session. I had an orientation with Lori, my treatment coordinator, and a couple of groups. There are four other girls there: Casey, Sunny, Brooke, and Kennadie. I like all of them, even though none of the girls are close like we were in IP. No one said hi to me or even to each other. Hopefully it gets better though, because everyone except for Casey is fairly new. Casey’s been there since September. She was inpatient over the summer. I talked to her more than any of the other girls, with Kennadie coming in 2^nd. I like Kennadie’s look a lot. She’s tall, very underweight, pretty, has short, super-blonde hair, ice blue eyes, and was wearing a v-neck. Casey has strawberry-blonde hair, cut-across bangs, is pretty in this odd way, and is at a healthy weight for the first time in a while. Brooke has brown hair, is normal-sized, and has these huge lips. She would be prettier if she didn’t constantly have her mouth open wide. She lives in a group home and is obviously troubled. Sunny is adorable. She’s small- too small to be healthy, with a perfectly shaped face and cute hair. She didn’t talk to me much, but I can tell that she’s a really cool girl. She’s bi and vegetarian. I hope we become friends.

My favourite staff there so far is Julie and Sara, the other therapist. Sara used to have an eating disorder and is really nice. She’s almost Audrey-esque, with the way she makes me feel safe and understood, even though I barely talked. Really, I was so quiet during group last night. I was really depressed, thinking about IP and how different it was and missing everyone. I wanted to check in with someone, but I couldn’t, of course.

I figured I’d be at IOP for around a month or two, but they said that my estimated graduation will be around mid-September. Holy shit, that’s a long time.