4/26/10

I’m feeling slightly better lately. Probably because I’m going to California this weekend, to see Bentley!!! I’m sooo excited. I miss her so much and want to be there for her right now, in person. She called me around 11 pm last week crying. I was asleep but luckily heard my phone. Her best friend told her that they could no longer be friends, because Bentley is too triggering. (Hmm sound familiar?) Anyways, I talked her down, and she said something that just about made me cry: “I just wanted to hear your voice.” God, I miss her.

On a different note, session with Amy on Friday was pretty intense. I was telling her about how much I miss Audrey, and she asked what the attachment to her is. At first, Amy actually thought that I liked her in an intimate way. I insisted that that is not the case, so then I had to explain what the case actually is. I told her about everything that I told Audrey in her letters, but I also mentioned that Audrey made me feel safe. I had never really thought about that before, but it’s probably one of the main reasons that I got so attached to her. Amy kind of realized that after I’d said it, and so she said something along the lines of “you were the little girl who thought bad things would happen to her for no reason, that someone was after her. You were the little girl whose parents didn’t pay attention and shrugged her off their shoulders and never made her feel safe. You’ve spent your whole life overwhelmed by anxiety and fear, and when you finally find the first person who can make you feel safe, you have to walk away from her. She was what you mother never was and temporarily filled that void. I’m so sorry you had to walk away from that.” Then she hugged me and almost started crying, I think. I, of course, was bawling like a baby. I’m sorry I had to walk away from that too. :/